I am learning a lot about myself. Things that I like, things that I dislike. About me, who I am what I have done with my life so far and how I have changed. Sometimes I wish that I could turn the pages back. But why? What is the point of taking it all back when you would still be that naive person who has not learned any lessons. You are what you make of yourself, and only you can change it. I need change now. I am done being so sad all the time. I put myself here and now I need to get out. I am the only person who can decide for myself I cannot let others do that for me. It’s so hard though I do not want to be judged or make the wrong move. I just want to make people happy with me and be smart and learn and love this world. To do things that I used to do, to be the positive upbeat person that I was once. I need to learn, I want to learn, and I don’t want to become something like what I am now but way worse. This needs to stop now and I need to start anew. I need to talk about things and explain myself and I need to become a better communicator. I need to grow from my mistakes and not make them again. Grow and come out on top positive and happy. It starts today.
“It’s like forgetting, the words to your favorite song, you can’t believe it you were always singing along, It was so easy and the words so sweet, You can’t remember you try to feel the beat.”
It’s true. I am forgetting who I am. I am cringing away inside, I’m forgetting everything that is important in my life and I am on thin ice with my loved one because of how I am taking my feelings out on the ones I care for the most. I don’t know what I need to do to change it. I’m so lost. I forgot everything good and just focus on the bad. I guess it started when I thought about death a lot about a year ago when everything started spiraling downwards, in every situation I thought about how death could be right around the corner and started getting scared to do anything with my life in fear of dying. I didn’t want that at all but it’s how I was thinking.
Everything was so sweet that summer right before that fall. I had a wonderful boy best friend who I was falling madly in love with since the first time I saw him. We would just talk constantly about whatever but I left out the whole scared of dying thing. He helped me to be positive about my life and helped me out when I needed it the most. Things were not going that great with my roommates who acted more like my parents than my friends because they were a couple. It just sucked because I really missed my friend Brittney a lot. She was such a sweet person. I didn’t know how to deal with it at all I was becoming alone and freaking out with anxiety attacks a lot around people that I used to be so comfortable being around, I was shrinking inside of myself because of all the negativity around me. I didn’t know how to get away from it so I just let it happen, and now I regret it because I just want to be that happy positive person again. I want my life back and I want to be the best girlfriend because I truly have a wonderful man in my life who doesn’t get the credit he deserves. I love him so much but just keep hurting him with my negativity and being depressed, and I need to get out of this rut before I lose him for good. He is the best thing that ever happened in my life.
I think that I just need to try to focus on the good. What I am doing to improve my life and get away from this job that I am at because I have so much time on my hands just to think about everything in my head and get down on myself. I need to keep busy and do things instead of being the procrastinator that I am. I need to get on my feet and so something with my life to get out of this rut. So I need to get a new job. Something that will keep me busy, and I want to go back to school.
I will remember the words to my favorite song. No more forgetting. I’m coming back stronger than ever. Starting now. Today. This is me.